8 mistakes expatriates make that can leave them with the feeling of being disconnected
One of the biggest challenges of an expat lifestyle is feeling disconnected – from the life you leave behind, from the events in your current place of residence, from family and old friends back home, and even from people who surround you. If you are an expat right now, how present is the feeling of being disconnected in you on a scale of 1 to 10? Are you somewhere between 4 and 10?
If you are, read on and let me know if these eight mistakes resonate with you!
Mistake 1. You have very high expectations that people at home will continue to want and initiate consistent interaction with you. We all miss our friends/family when we move, but face it – you left. They stayed behind and they moved on with their lives. They’ve substituted the vacuum you left in their lives with something/someone else and they are doing just fine. It’s harder for you, of course, because you are the new kid on the block. Of course they’ll be there for you when you need them, but don’t expect them to get in touch with you as often as they did in the past. And don’t sulk if they don’t. Remember that it’s now up to you to initiate and maintain contact. You are the one who has left.
Mistake 2. Somehow you’ve decided that making new friends isn’t your strength. Fair enough – some of us are more outgoing than others, but make sure you realize that perspective is everything. It colors the lens you use to look at the world. So if your current perspective is “I suck at making new friends”, you will suck at it. Change your perspective and you’ll be amazed at how things change around you.
Mistake 3. You decided that you only want strong, intimate connections and you are not interested in anything else. It’s your choice, of course, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to create lasting friendships. But are you sure you are giving everyone a chance? How do you know that someone who doesn’t seem “the material” now isn’t going to turn into a dear friend? Stranger things have happened in the world. Make sure you are open to every opportunity that comes your way.
Mistake 4. You believe your to-do list is too long and you just have no time to get out and get to know people. This is a classic one – how many times have we used our to-do lists as an excuse not to do something that seems challenging, uncomfortable, or scary to us?
Mistake 5. You take trips home every 3-4 weeks for shopping, vacation, just a visit, or… just because. Another classic – and another strong reason for not feeling connected either at home or at your new place of residence. Commit to one of those places and nurture your connections there.
Mistake 6. You feel uncomfortable speaking to people because your language skills are not perfect. This may be a good place to allow yourself to let go of expecting yourself to be perfect – in languages and anywhere else. Besides, how else would you improve your speaking ability if not by talking to people?
Mistake 7. You engage in unfavorable comparisons of your current place of residence with home (or with the one you left). We all heard that the “grass is always greener on the other side”, but guess what? Yours will be green too if you water it enough. So forget about how your new home doesn’t measure up to your previous home and stop the comparisons. Instead find the beauty where you are.
Mistake 8. You use social media like there is no tomorrow. Many of us adore Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, etc, but life still mostly happens on the outside and the connections you make on the outside are the ones that are going to nurture you. Your 1000+ friends on Facebook will forgive you if you engage in the outside world. So what are you waiting for?
Which mistakes resonate with you? And what additions may you have?
© Margarita Gokun Silver
Margarita Gokun Silver is a writer and an artist. Her work has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, BBC, The Atlantic, The Guardian, and NPR, among others. Her essay collection I NAMED MY DOG PUSHKIN (AND OTHER IMMIGRANT TALES) is available on Amazon (https://buff.ly/39AsHhL) or wherever books are sold.